Welcome

I debated putting an exclamation point in my title, but decided I'm not all that excited to be writing what I am today. Here I am, at 20 years old, unhappy with my weight and failing to do anything about it.

You could argue I should be happy with myself at whatever weight. To this I argue back that I agree, however I'm NOT happy, and know my weight has something to do with this.

The first time I can remember thinking about how I was supposed to look was second grade. My teacher would take pictures of us in the classroom, and after they were printed she would hand them out for us to bring home. I was given a picture of myself with two other girls while we played with legos. I remember making the lego house we were working on, it took us days and we loved it. I'm sitting on the floor and have my hands on my hips. My stomach is pushed out and is rounded. The two other girls are very skinny and are definitely skinnier than me in the picture. I remember being embarrassed of my stomach, and wanting to get rid of it. I was in second grade! I was seven years old, thinking about how fat I was.

I remember being told I had an arch in my back, and that if I stopped arching my stomach wouldn't stick out. So I ignored the pictures and told myself I was fine.

But it didn't stop there. I started figure skating in preschool and grew up with the sport, skating into college. With tights and skating dresses, there is little to hide yourself from the judgment of other girls. I was never the tiny stick-thin girl who won every event. I was the pudgy girl who did ok. Or not so great. I constantly compared myself to other girls, bringing myself down when I saw more and more girls my age skinnier than me. It was horrible.

Every year I would get out of school in June and think, I have two months to change the way I look. But every August I would go back to school the same. I would hate myself for wasting so much time eating and not being more conscious of what I was doing. Months turned into years and I went from middle school to high school, year after year, wishing the same thing. College started and I thought I could change before they knew nothing else, before they knew the me that was fat. But I didn't, and I went to college self-conscious and with low self esteem.

And here I am, heading into my senior year of college with the same body, the same low self esteem, and the same daily struggle to look in the mirror. Why am I here? Why have I let myself continue to eat and eat, when I know it isn't healthy? I've watched friends, classmates and Youtube personalities lose the weight, yet somehow I can't commit.

But this is my beginning. This is where I start exercising, eating right and thinking better thoughts. It's where I will post my frustrations and worries, my milestones and goals. I don't know how long it will take, and I don't have an end date. All I want is to feel better about my body. For myself.