I just fought with my mom. The mom whose mother has an eating disorder. The mom who divorced my dad two years ago. The mom who drove me to skating lessons for years. The mom who shared her poor financial habits with me. The mom who doesn't understand why I can't lose weight. The mom who has reminded me constantly over the years that I am overweight.
She told me I didn't need another yoghurt stick. I knew I didn't need one, but I was bored and wanted one. She said, for the second time in 24 hours, that I was horrible for not committing to losing weight, and that I really didn't want to. That hurt. I do want to. I want to so badly. But something is stopping me. I don't know what it is, if I did I would have told her when she asked. She told me yoga isn't a real sport. Is that because she doesn't do it? Is it because she thinks she's better than me? I told her it seems like she feels better than me, like she beat me at getting in shape. All I want is positive encouragement, is that so much to ask?
I know she means well. She has always meant well. But she seriously sucks at any kind of emotional encouragement. I think it's because of her mom being so mean. She is so mean to her. She always says mean things. And probably my dad too, he wasn't very nice to her. He has a really bad temper. She was always defending my sister and I, making sure we got the best. But as much as she tried, it only damaged us. I am afraid of men. I don't understand what a normal relationship is like. I have no idea what you do when you like someone, or what normal people do when they're dating. I have never seen this. I was so afraid to misstep growing up that I never learned. I was immature with no confidence. I did things to please people, to please my parents. Because then my mom could tell people what I had done. My dad could understand what I was doing, since he never showed up. Now that I'm a grown up, I'm lost.
So we fought until her boyfriend came home. It wasn't very long, and at the end I really just wanted to go exercise, but here I am in my room because that would mean giving into her. And I can't let her win.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Welcome
I debated putting an exclamation point in my title, but decided I'm not all that excited to be writing what I am today. Here I am, at 20 years old, unhappy with my weight and failing to do anything about it.
You could argue I should be happy with myself at whatever weight. To this I argue back that I agree, however I'm NOT happy, and know my weight has something to do with this.
The first time I can remember thinking about how I was supposed to look was second grade. My teacher would take pictures of us in the classroom, and after they were printed she would hand them out for us to bring home. I was given a picture of myself with two other girls while we played with legos. I remember making the lego house we were working on, it took us days and we loved it. I'm sitting on the floor and have my hands on my hips. My stomach is pushed out and is rounded. The two other girls are very skinny and are definitely skinnier than me in the picture. I remember being embarrassed of my stomach, and wanting to get rid of it. I was in second grade! I was seven years old, thinking about how fat I was.
I remember being told I had an arch in my back, and that if I stopped arching my stomach wouldn't stick out. So I ignored the pictures and told myself I was fine.
But it didn't stop there. I started figure skating in preschool and grew up with the sport, skating into college. With tights and skating dresses, there is little to hide yourself from the judgment of other girls. I was never the tiny stick-thin girl who won every event. I was the pudgy girl who did ok. Or not so great. I constantly compared myself to other girls, bringing myself down when I saw more and more girls my age skinnier than me. It was horrible.
Every year I would get out of school in June and think, I have two months to change the way I look. But every August I would go back to school the same. I would hate myself for wasting so much time eating and not being more conscious of what I was doing. Months turned into years and I went from middle school to high school, year after year, wishing the same thing. College started and I thought I could change before they knew nothing else, before they knew the me that was fat. But I didn't, and I went to college self-conscious and with low self esteem.
And here I am, heading into my senior year of college with the same body, the same low self esteem, and the same daily struggle to look in the mirror. Why am I here? Why have I let myself continue to eat and eat, when I know it isn't healthy? I've watched friends, classmates and Youtube personalities lose the weight, yet somehow I can't commit.
But this is my beginning. This is where I start exercising, eating right and thinking better thoughts. It's where I will post my frustrations and worries, my milestones and goals. I don't know how long it will take, and I don't have an end date. All I want is to feel better about my body. For myself.
You could argue I should be happy with myself at whatever weight. To this I argue back that I agree, however I'm NOT happy, and know my weight has something to do with this.
The first time I can remember thinking about how I was supposed to look was second grade. My teacher would take pictures of us in the classroom, and after they were printed she would hand them out for us to bring home. I was given a picture of myself with two other girls while we played with legos. I remember making the lego house we were working on, it took us days and we loved it. I'm sitting on the floor and have my hands on my hips. My stomach is pushed out and is rounded. The two other girls are very skinny and are definitely skinnier than me in the picture. I remember being embarrassed of my stomach, and wanting to get rid of it. I was in second grade! I was seven years old, thinking about how fat I was.
I remember being told I had an arch in my back, and that if I stopped arching my stomach wouldn't stick out. So I ignored the pictures and told myself I was fine.
But it didn't stop there. I started figure skating in preschool and grew up with the sport, skating into college. With tights and skating dresses, there is little to hide yourself from the judgment of other girls. I was never the tiny stick-thin girl who won every event. I was the pudgy girl who did ok. Or not so great. I constantly compared myself to other girls, bringing myself down when I saw more and more girls my age skinnier than me. It was horrible.
Every year I would get out of school in June and think, I have two months to change the way I look. But every August I would go back to school the same. I would hate myself for wasting so much time eating and not being more conscious of what I was doing. Months turned into years and I went from middle school to high school, year after year, wishing the same thing. College started and I thought I could change before they knew nothing else, before they knew the me that was fat. But I didn't, and I went to college self-conscious and with low self esteem.
And here I am, heading into my senior year of college with the same body, the same low self esteem, and the same daily struggle to look in the mirror. Why am I here? Why have I let myself continue to eat and eat, when I know it isn't healthy? I've watched friends, classmates and Youtube personalities lose the weight, yet somehow I can't commit.
But this is my beginning. This is where I start exercising, eating right and thinking better thoughts. It's where I will post my frustrations and worries, my milestones and goals. I don't know how long it will take, and I don't have an end date. All I want is to feel better about my body. For myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)